The Sunday morning of a Collyhurst and District Third Division football match between Albion Co-Op and Parker Street Bus Depot. As the referee for the match, Eric Armistead, is leaving his house, he finds two young boys fighting and blocking his gateway. He tells them to get out of his way, but, finding himself totally ignored, sidesteps them instead.
The two teams know the referee by the nickname Lord Longford, on account of his bald head, and they privately greet his arrival with scorn. Nonetheless, both Brian, the trainer for Albion, and Sam, an elderly member of Parker Street's management, attempt to curry favour with him. With characteristic uprightness, Eric threatens to report them. Addressing the captains just prior to kick-off, Eric tries to assert his authority by demanding a clean game, to the disdain of both players. The match commences.
Denise, the girlfriend of one of the Albion players, tells her friend Shirley of her boyfriend's recent lack of sexual interest, only to discover he's suffered the first foul of the match, with a kick to his groin. Colin, the Albion manager, rushes onto the pitch to tend to his player, and Eric has difficulty relegating him to the sidelines.
Norman, a Parks and Gardens council employee, sets about repainting the boundary on another pitch, bemoaning his lot in having to perform such a boring task. His limp, the result of a football injury, makes painting a straight line particularly challenging. Two middle-aged women are having a stroll on the playing fields, Gwen pontificating on global politics to her dog-walking friend, who responds as intelligently as she can manage. Meanwhile some boys break into the changing rooms and steal cash from the players' jackets. One of them finds a picture of Dixie Dean in Eric's wallet.
The game progresses with foul and counter-foul, and eventually a fight breaks out between two players. Realising, however, that they will both be suspended from the following match, they refuse to give their names, and Eric lectures them on respect. Although Parker Street seem to be dominating play, they are unable to finish with a goal. When Eric blows the whistle for half time, the score is 0-0.
In the second half, Jeanie joins her boyfriend, the Parker Street goalkeeper, seemingly to resolve an argument they've been having since she danced with a rival at a party. Both stubbornly stand their ground. Having finally extracted an apology from him, Jeanie announces she's dumping him for his rival. The dog disrupts play by running onto the pitch and irritates Gwen by nipping at her heels. She kicks back while her friend is not looking. Parker Street are awarded a penalty for a handball, but the kicker misses. Denise and Shirley lament the quality of Albion's play, but Colin defends his 4-3-3 formation and insists that his players are merely pacing themselves. When Parker Street's coach loses his patience with Sam parroting everything he says, Sam defends himself with reference to his lengthy experience.
After yet another foul by Albion, Eric awards Parker Street a free kick and instructs Albion's defenders to stand ten yards back from the ball. When they fail to retreat to his satisfaction, Eric announces that he is abandoning the match. This provokes outrage from all the players and the Albion captain accuses him of not caring about football, just himself. Piqued by this taunt, Eric resumes the match, and soon after, Parker Street score a goal, which is clearly offside. Sam has been acting as linesman but is instructed by his manager not to flag the offside. Nevertheless, Eric, who has been momentarily knocked unconscious, disallows the goal.
After the aggrieved Parker Street captain mocks Eric's claims of youthful talent, another free kick is taken. To the shock of all present, Eric deliberately heads the ball into Albion's net, only to claim it accidentally rebounded off him. The goal stands and the final whistle is blown. As he walks back to the changing rooms, Eric relives the goal in slow-motion replay. The young boy who robbed his wallet asks Eric if he is 'Dizzie Dean'.
