Synopsis of 'IF I WERE A CARPENTER' (11/11/83)

Geordie bricklayers Dennis, 'Oz' and Neville travel to Germany in search of employment. Neville spends the duration of the ferry journey writing postcards to his wife Brenda. Upon docking in Holland, the trio load into Oz's car and proceed to customs, where they are searched but then waved on. They cross the German border and arrive at a major Bier Keller, where German agent Herr Pfister is recruiting British workers. He informs the lads that there is a site in Düsseldorf requiring two brickies and several carpenters. Anxious not to miss out on this opportunity, but determined not to split up, Dennis claims Neville is a carpenter, despite the latter's protests.

Later, Oz's car breaks down on the autobahn and the lads are forced to travel to Düsseldorf by train. When they finally arrive they are late, and site manager Herr Grunwald informs them that all the hostel accommodation is full: they will have to live on-site. A west-country worker called Bomber advises them to move into his residential hut, as the others are occupied by Turks. Upon commencing work, Neville attempts to pass off as a carpenter but promptly finds himself in the first-aid tent after a hand injury. At the end of the week the lads pick up their first pay packet and Bomber informs them he is returning to Bristol to work on a bypass.

That evening the English contingent prepare for a night on the town, but Neville chooses to stay in and save money. After a heavy drinking session, Dennis, Oz and Bomber proceed to the local brothel. The following morning Neville discovers Bomber cannot return home as he has blown all his money on prostitutes and gambling. Feeling homesick, Neville decides to hand in his notice and work out the week. Dennis insists he joins the gang for a final night out. In town, Neville quickly gets caught up in the local drinking and gambling rituals, and Dennis leaves him in the neglectful care of Oz. The next day, Neville trundles into the hut looking decidedly worse-for-wear. He claims he can no longer go home, and Dennis assumes he has gambled all his money away. Neville corrects him by rolling down his shirtsleeve to reveal a tattoo of a heart and the names Neville and Lotte. When asked who Lotte is, he admits that he cannot remember.